Big Russ Still Dominates Low-Scoring Opponents
For the second season in a row, Big Russ opens his season with a win over the lowest scoring team of the week. "I don't know if it's my intimidating demeanor, or the fact that I've paid-off the opposition - but I'll take a win as I can get it!" Big Russ owner Commissioner Russell E. Ruszkowski laments a well-earned victory.
The Drunken Punks, the unfortunate target of Big Russ' annual week 1 episode of luck, had a different opinion: "Friggin' Ruszkowski - I'll bet he's cheating." Thanks for the $5, sucker!
Upon closer analysis, a careful look at the Drunken Punks scoring reveals two (2) players earning negative points: Matt Stover (-2 points) and the Arizona Defense (-6 points). Maybe a more fruitful discussion would come from a hindsight analysis of why in the hell the Drunken Punks started the Arizona defense in the first place - are they still even an NFL team?

It's All Tied in Tiny Town
In a hot game that came-down to the wire, G-Man's Army of Darkness walloped the Long Eared Loungers by 80 yards (let me explain...). The score was tied 68-68. The rules clearly state that the tiebreaker goes to passing yards: Carson Palmer just happened to throw for 280 yards. If only Trent Green had earned his money that day...
Other than the tie, this game was a real snoozer! At times it seemed that both teams were competing to see who would lose the game. In the end, G-Man used-up all his luck in week 1. Makes you wonder where G-Man can go from here...
Loungers: maybe your luck will change for week 2 - do you think? The answer: no, you play Big Russ in week 2.

What They Do In Iraq? They Lose!
The Ball Busters, with a shiny-new offense for 2005, beat the absolute crap out of a stunned Baghdad Bomber team. "I was suffering from heat stroke, shell-shock, and scorpion bites. I was clearly not in the game." explained Shawn Franz, owner of the hapless Bombers. One clear mistake made by the Bombers: starting the Baltimore defense against Indianapolis when he had Washington vs. Chicago on the bench... Shawn is truly an idiot.
Now, on to FF2k5 firsts: the honor of owning the first player to have a run-in with the law goes to... Rich Frank! Larry Johnson (RB - KC) could be facing legal trouble over an incident that happened at a bar on Saturday. Tsk tsk... You dishonor the league with the company you keep.
Another dubious FF2k5 honor goes to Shawn Franz. Shawn is the unfortunate owner of the first starting player to be injured out of the season. Javon Walker (Rec - GB) will be watching the rest of the season from the Baghdad Bombers owners lounge. I hear you serve hummus and falafel - do you have any other middle-east treats that might gain wider appeal?
The Ball Busters share in the weekly top prize of $5. Congratulations on a better than 2004 performance to start the season - can you keep it up? (all signs point to "no.")

Severe Beating at the Hands of Family
If you thought the Ball Buster / Baghdad Bomber beating was bad, you haven't seen anything yet...
In a seemingly just and deserved fashion, hated football owner, Dave Wheeler, was handed his ass by his brother-in-law last weekend. The Smokin' Bonecrushers showed-up for the game wearing shower-shoes and hair-nets - clearly, they were not prepared for action (at least not FOOTBALL action).
The Costco Shoppers (man, what a goofy team name) "saved" their way to victory over the Bonecrushers 109 to 62. That high-score was enough to secure the other half of the weekly top prize (half of the Roecker $5 bill). Michels cruised to victory with top-notch performances from Kerry Collins and Steve Smith. Nice.
This is one of those cases of something good made better - like ice cream (good) with chocolate on top (better). A victory is nice, but a victory at the hands of Wheeler is better. One bright note for Wheeler: he does have a kick-ass team logo!

Yesterday's Champion = Today's Loser
The Kama Sutra Kobras, winner of the prestigious FF2k4 Russ Bowl, stunned the world by not beating perennial last-place Fast Eddie's Hired Goons.
Fast Eddie was able to capitalize on the Kobra's time-zone problem, at least that's the word from the Kobra team offices. Closer inspection of the Kobra roster shows that they has more points on the bench than on the field - OUCH. That's certainly not the direction you would want you team to head, especially if you're after a 2nd straight championship.
Fast Eddie's Hired Goons had a decent game: even the Chicago Bears defense gamble paid-off for 17 points. The real question for Segreti remains: what do you want on your Tombstone...?