It Ain't Easy Being Russ
As if a crushing defeat weren't enough, Big Russ was dealt another blow Tuesday morning: Chad Pennington out for the season! Not that Big Russ owner, Commissioner Russell E. Ruszkowski, was looking to depend on the woeful Jets quarterback, but it's nice to have options. The Big Russ office of Personnel, Cheerleading, and Off-Shore Money-Laundering will evaluate several promising candidates this week: I even hear that Big Russ perennial favorite Jeff George has been talking to the Lions. This is certainly not the expected position for Big Russ, drafting Daunte Culpepper was supposed to be a lock - automatic playoffs. Sadly, Big Russ is staring at a 1-2 record. Look for a raging Big Russ victory at the hands of The Ball Busters in week 4.
On the other side of the field, G-Man's Army of Darkness really put the screws to Big Russ in a huge victory: 110 to 66. G-Man's victory keeps him in 1st place in the Orange division with a perfect 3-0. Closer analysis of the G-Man performance reveals that G-Man should draft "absentee-style" every year. Clearly the suffocating G-Man management style of the past was not working. G-Man players clearly prefer the laissez faire approach of the FF2k5 season. Falling ass-backwards into victories is usually the Wheeler style. Glad to see that G-Man has the ability to adapt to his/her environment.
In other sad news, Big Russ will be the donor of the $5 weekly top prize. Sources close to the Commissioner noticed that the Big Russ children were seen going to school without shoes - the constant losing is definitely taking its toll.

When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough: Roecker
From dictionary.com: Bittersweet: Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure. There's no better way to describe the way Roecker must have felt this weekend. While his performance was impressive: 106 points earned - no coaching mistakes. His opponent's performance was oh so much better: 140 points earned with 27 more points he could have tapped sitting safely on the bench. I think that the writing is on the wall Roecker: yes, we're all out to get you. Also of note: Roecker's bench scored -12 points. Is that a record of sorts? Rather a dubious honor, but sadly no record. This might be an indicator of some kind, but we already know that Roecker is the HUGE underdog in all 13 games this season - I'm not sure we need additional indicators to help us to that conclusion.
Costco Shoppers, on the other hand, were able to shake-off the funk that comes along with the association with a budget-friendly retailer and bring-it big-time. Michel's 140 points was the best performance of the week, and earns him the coveted weekly top prize: $5. Spend it wisely - the children's shoe budget is easily lost.

Ball Buster Lament: Payton Manning Don't Work Here Anymore
Not that he's going to dump the Ball Buster first pick of the draft, but the FF2k5 Payton Manning is certainly not the FF2k4 Payton Manning. Big Russ, home of the "weakened" Daunte Culpepper, nods in agreement. Manning's 8 points in week 3 was a box-score slap-in-the-face to Rich Frank, the teetering owner of the rapidly descending Ball Busters football organization.
With one player left for Monday night, The Ball Busters placed all their eggs in the Larry Johnson basket: he only had to earn 24 more points than Trent Green - was it even possible? The answer was clearly, "no." Johnson folded faster than Superman on laundry day. Strange footnote: during the afternoon on Monday, Commissioner Russell E. Ruszkowski was surveying the ruin his team had become and came to the conclusion that a -4 point performance from Larry Johnson would save Big Russ from being the ass of the week - thereby losing $5. Well, wishes almost came true: Johnson turned in a -1 point performance on 13 yards rushing with a fumble. Dammit - I was almost there.
Long Eared Loungers: WTF? Back-to-back wins with 107 points. Hmmm - that's a mystery. After brushing-off the ghosts of 2004 you have been able to cobble-together quite a little season here... Cheers to you, now start losing!

Fast Eddie: I'd Rather Be Lucky than Good
In a shining display of coaching ineptitude, Fast Eddie's Hired Goons wins anyway. Usually, a team who leaves 30 points on the bench against a team scoring 98 points would be the loser, but not this week. Segreti laughs in the face of conventional football statistics as he proves, week-after-week, that he has talent to spare. For three weeks, the Fast Eddie bench has been truly impressive: 75, 104, and 86 points respectively. Thus, the usual Segreti coaching errors are somewhat less-evident this season - though they're still there. He'll face a true test in week 4: a re-tooled Long Eared Lounger team eager to rise from the ashes of the 2004 season. Will Segreti's luck hold-out? Stay-tuned!
The Bombers countered the luck of the Italian with a decent performance: 98 points. But, as is now understood, if you don't have luck on your side - you got nothin'! Farting Falafel Franz takes-it to Wheeler's this Sunday - let the duel of the rancid parasitic intestinal gas begin!

Wheeler: Short on Points, Long on Excuses
Wheeler drops another one - this time by 10 points. It was all over by 8:37 p.m. Central time Monday night - that was the exact time that Mike Anderson ran for his touchdown. It was also the time that Wheeler's "chance at a win" finally ran-out. Holding Mike Anderson to only 49 yards would have done it, but apparently the Kansas City Chiefs hate Wheeler too, and were unwilling to help. Do the Chiefs know more than we do? They just might - they are a member of the Smokin' Bonecrusher organization - takin' them down from the inside...
Being in an ever more familiar situation where Wheeler is rooting-against his opponents Monday night players is becoming common at the Wheeler's head office. Just this week, Smokin' Bonecrushers playbooks were modified to include techniques for "jinxing" opposing players: Wheeler's best available strategy. The Smokin' Bonecrushers, far from cowering from the media after three straight losses, were stupidly jubilant, "We've lost three straight, but now we're poised for the greatest comeback of all time!" Wheeler ranted. He was then strapped-up and shoved into the back of a white van, "Buffalo Grove Sanitarium" scrawled on the side in feces. Wheeler, it seems, will be spending some time in a place where he can't hurt himself (or others).
The Kama Sutra Kobras get the sweetest prize of all: first win of the season at the hands of Wheeler. Not that last year's champion is some kind of football genius (he was 0-2 until last night), but as we all know - a Wheeler victory is the best victory.