Big Russ Ekes-Out a Loss in a Close Contest
Dammit. You know that if my soul weren't already mortgaged to the hilt I'd be selling it to the devil for an FF2k5 victory.
In a tragic turn of events, Big Russ loses another (fourth straight) to the thundering Ball Busters - you can be sure that the "thunder" is gas-related. The blowout score of 44 to 98 doesn't even reflect the ineptness of the Big Russ scoring mechanism: there just isn't one. Big Russ' highest scorer of week 3 was Daunte Culpepper - once the boon of fantasy football scorers, Culpepper's contribution has been reduced to 12 points.
An additional knife in the back of Big Russ: the dubious "honor" of providing the week 4 top prize: $5.
The Ball Busters, still high from a rare victory, benefited from a return of Peyton Manning to football greatness (Manning's previous scoring was 22, 3, 8). Other Ball Busters week 4 stars include: Warrick Dunn (18), Jimmy Smith (16), and Randy Moss (12). Let's face-it: the Ball Busters wad has been shot.

G-Man: Undefeated
Roecker: Defeated
Clutching defeat from the jaws of victory, Roecker proved once again that he is totally inept. As you may have noticed, The Drunken Punks were near victory in week 4: the 12-point differential masks Roecker's true proximity to the elusive "W." If it weren't for a poor coaching decision, Roecker would be soaking in champagne this moment instead of crying into his jerk towel - trying to explain the finer points of football management to his toothless staff huddled low in the back 40 of a Denver avocado field - preparing to break their backs in an effort to keep Whole Foods stocked with guacamole ingredients.
Simply put, Roecker's week 4 defense (New England) cost him 16 points. Had Roecker started his other defense (NY Giants), he would have swung 22 points the other way and beaten G-Man by 10 points. This is either sad or pathetic - you be the judge!
G-Man: apparently you're beginning to phone it in. Leaving Hines Ward in your lineup was a faux pas, to say the least, but a harmless one. Perhaps this was an effort to not add to Roecker's misery and give him a sporting chance. It's just too bad that, once given that chance, Roecker failed to capitalize on your bonehead move.

Wheeler's Sucking Lessened
In an effort to save face (note to Wheeler: get a face worth saving first), Wheeler pulled his head from his ass and finally won something. Wheeler came back with a vengeance in week 4: beating the Baghdad Bombers 135 to 105.
You didn't know who would win, but you had to know that there would be little defense: both the Boners and the Bombers have the two highest "points allowed" stats in the league. This was a case of who wanted to give it away more: Shawn, you won.
Wheeler came-into the Monday night game seven (7) points behind - having to depend in the increasingly inadequate Brett Favre. Favre delivered: 37 points earned in the high-scoring game (Green Bay still lost - suckers).
The Wheeler win coupled with the Franz loss creates a tie for last place in the Blue division - I hope you're proud of yourselves.

Kobras Klimb Kontinues
The Kama Sutra Kobras continues to improve in week 4's victory: marking a third-straight "point-increase" from the previous week (60, 77, 83, 92). From my calculations, the Kama Sutra Kobras will score 103 points in week 6: will that be enough?
Even the -1 points brought home by the Carolina defense wasn't enough to de-rail the Kobra victory. By the many armd of Vishnu, you were destined to win that game.
With the Kobra destiny safe in the "win" column, Costco shoppers are left with the tine and space to seriously evaluate what went wrong. The Atlanta defense was good, but everything else was bad. My advice: punish the Baghdad Bombers in week 5. It's like rolling a bum down a hill - easy and good for a few laughs.

Fast Eddie: The Annual Decline Begins
We all knew Segreti was flying a bit too-close to the sun this season, but we didn't know his wings would hold-out for so long.
Fast Eddie lost his first game of the season this week in a truly mediocre performance against the Long Eared Loungers. Ultimately it came-down to a battle of Green Bay receivers: Robert Ferguson (Goons) against Donald Driver (Loungers). In the end, Drive wanted it more: 15 points earned compared to Ferguson's 4. Yesterday, Segreti commented, "It's a race to the touchdown. The receiver to catch the touchdown (there will be only one) will win." He was right.
The loss doesn't change Segreti's standing in the Blue division: he's still in first place. The Lounger win keeps him in a tie with the Ball Busters for second place. The Loungers will have a real chance to move-into a tie for first place in week 5: they play the league doormat (Drunken Punks).

Wheeler's Whine
This week, Dave Wheeler has submitted a column for the newsletter. Note to reader: this article was not proofed for spelling, grammar, or content - read at your own risk!

I thought I'd take a minute to sum up one of the more interesting games of the week….Punks V Army of Darkness:
Off the Snide?-- Hardly
Coaching genius is wonderful to watch--like a symphony or a Shakesperean play. Coaching ineptitude is just plain facinating to watch--like lemming's death march or a public execution. The game between with winless Punks and the unbeaten Army of darkness falls into the latter category. This game featured a kicking extraveganza. Neil rackers hit's 6, count them 6 field goals! He was seen leaving the barbed wire enclosed stadium with two seniroita's and a corona in each had on his way to the Roecker team bus for some Amore. He deserves it. He's the only player on the Punk team who comes to play every week. G-man's kicker also made a nice contribution earning his points in a much more effcient 1 53 yarder. G-man's coaching prowess was on display in the form of Hines Ward. I understand that Ward is a great player, but it's hard to score a lot of points when your team isn't playing. Now, you'd think that spotting Roecker a player would be enough to solidfy a victory. But when you decide that you can start New England and lose 16 points from your defense, you may start to rethink yourself. I just love the fact that starting a guy on his bye week turns out to be a better move (by 16 points) than starting the Defense of the defending Superbowl champions. I'll be honest, I found myself eeriely drawn to this matchup as the day went on. I am now convinced that Roecker may not win a game this year and that G-man has sold his soul to Satan for an undeafeted season and a half-smoked pack of Parliaments. Hard to believe that Roecker didn't get last in the league….Which leads up to Big Russ.