The Good News for Big Russ: There's No Place to Go but Up
Another week: another crushing defeat. Not necessarily crushing in a numeric sense of the word, but crushing in the emotional sense. It also offers me another chance to proclaim in print, "Dammit!"
Big Russ loses their fourth straight - this time to the Kama Sutra Kobras, FF2k4 Champion. While losing to a previous champion does have a sense of inevitability to it, this loss carries the same pain and suffering as the previous three. Big Russ' ineptitude began with the inability at the quarterback position. With Daunte off in week 5, Brian Griese was handed the keys: he failed. Griese's eight points in week 5 were a definite high-point (man that sucks!) on a team that scored only 54 total. Another dubious note for Big Russ: no TDs scored. Shit shit shit!!
The Kobras, on the other hand, were lucky to play Big Russ. Kobra Owner Troy Snethen wheezed into week 5 with an underwhelming team: only 60 points earned. A quick look at the Kobra bench reveals four (4) bad coaching decisions - that's 50%. While a win masks those mistakes, eventually the Kobra fan base will call for Snethen's ouster: when they're done untangling themselves from sweaty betel-stained trysts, the Kobra fan base is hungry for blood.
More bad news: Big Russ is the week 5 donor of the weekly top prize: $5. That marks Big Russ' third contribution.

Is This the Beginning of a Drunken Punk Comeback?
Roecker took a step in the right direction in week 5 by winning against the Long Eared Loungers. Those close to Roecker note that hundreds of more steps in the right direction are desperately needed.
The Drunken Punks won convincingly over the Loungers, 77 to 56. What was the secret? Well, to put it bluntly, he stopped starting players who LOST points. In fact, the only Drunken Punk in the negative was on the bench (C. Benson: -2). With coaching prowess like that, Rocker might be the force with which to be reckoned in the Orange Division.
While Roecker was able to safely avoid a loss and the continued scorn of the rest of the league, the Loungers fell into Roecker-esque behavior. Aaron Brooks played three quarters before being removed from the game: he scored -1 point - that's a 13-point differential from week 4. The Loungers further compounded their suck with a zero (0) from Mike Clayton. Let's face-it, if it weren't for the Colts total demoralization of the Niners, the Loungers would be giving-up the $5 bill.
P.s.: what a shitty bench.

G-Man Keeps On Truckin'
G-Man escapes week 5 as the only undefeated team. The 1972 Miami Dolphins kept the champagne on ice this weekend as they watched G-Man totally annihilate the Ball Busters by 30 points (the largest week 5 margin of victory).
G-Man enjoyed double-digit performance from 6 of 8 players. That's the kind of performance that wins championships (please don't let it happen - please don't let it happen). Even with the nice week 5 total, there is still room for improvement. Three players from the bench would have made a better contribution. That leaves G-Man's coaching score this week at 62.5% - grade = D.
The Ball Busters week 5 loss doesn't hurt too badly however, the Ball Busters have the good fortune to be in the Orange Division where a 3-2 record is safely in 2nd place (and will most likely remain there due to the absolute crap that lives on the Big Russ and Drunken Punk teams). Although, the Ball Busters had a chance to win, let me explain: Roethlisberger in for Manning (+5), Bryant in for McCardell (+20), and Lindell in for Vanderjagt (+7). That's +32 points total. So, Rich, the problem is management (just like always).
Also, G-Man earns the $5 for week 5.

Costco Shoppers Come-Up Short against Insurgents
The Baghdad Bombers win their way into a three-way tie for last place in the Blue Division - if you thought the Orange Division was bad...
On first glance, the Baghdad Bomber score of 88 looks good. Hell, it's a score that I dream of on a weekly basis, but the total score doesn't tell the entire story. Baghdad owner, Shawn Franz, had three defenses from which to choose in week 5 - he chose the exact wrong defense. The Ravens lost Franz 7 points. Apparently the Detroit offense isn't the NFL push-over they claim to be (although anyone starting a Detroit offense player was punished repeatedly). Starting either other defense would have earned Franz an additional 7 points (that's worst case, best case is 15 points), and that would have been enough to overtake G-Man as the winner of the $5. Apparently, $5 bills are no-good in Iraq these days.
Costco's 70 points was the fourth highest score in week 5 - too bad it wasn't put to better use. We could do the same analysis as above (finding bench players who scored better than active players), but that grows tiresome. Let's just say that the Costco Shoppers coached themselves out of a victory. The Shoppers also have the dubious honor of starting a point-losing defense. Nice.

Fast Eddie: The Annual Decline Continues
Allow me to paint the scene... It was Monday morning, Fast Eddie was up by a point - Wheeler had only Willie Parker to go. What's this, Jerome Bettis to play? Wheeler spent the day swearing into the NFL.com website, "Damn you Cower, how dare you mess with my shit!" The Monday night game begins. Parker begins with a few short-yardage rushes, Wheeler rants at the TV, "run dammit!" Then, about halfway through the 1st quarter, Bettis begins to get the lion's share of the rushing opportunities. Wheeler considered, making the consolatory call to Segreti, but wait - he's no gentleman. Sure enough, Parker passed the 20 yard hurdle in the 2nd quarter and sealed the deal on the Wheeler victory. Note: Wheeler needed 2 points to win - a tie would have gone to Segreti.
The Smokin' Bonecrushers win by one point was celebrated throughout the town of Buffalo Grove long into the night - eventually BG's finest were called-in. They stayed to help finish the keg (after hearing about the embarrassing scene on Sunday - Wheeler returning a near-full pony keg to the liquor store - the police drained the Monday Night Football keg, and then drank the Wheeler liquor, the Wheeler rubbing alcohol, and the Wheeler cleaning products. Typical.).
Fast Eddie: why did you leave 100 points on the bench? Ok, here are the Segreti bench scores: 75, 104, 86, 61, and 100. In week 1, it was interesting. In week 2, it was coincidental. Weeks 3 and 4 were unusual. Now, in week 5, it's sad. Clearly, Segreti is starting the wrong team. With a second-straight loss, Segreti will return to his offices at Genco Olive Oil Company to get another motivating beat-down by the mafia. Apparently, there was a lot of family money wagered against Wheeler -the goombas hate Wheeler too!

Wheeler's Whine
No whine this week. Depending on your interest in Whine, you should either: cajole Wheeler into submitting for next week, or do nothing - enjoy the silence.