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I’d like to think that I still have a chance at FF2k5 glory, but who am I kidding? I have a team full of injuries and broken promises. Can someone please shoot me?
Battle
of the Titans?
In what was sure to be a real week 6 gut-check, Big Russ went-up against the
Drunken Punks. One outcome was for certain: there would be a new league loser.
Well friends that choice has been made, and your league loser is me. Dammit!
In what was supposed to be the Big Russ week 6 “coming-out” party,
no one on the Big Russ roster decided to come-out to play. After another heart-wrenching
Sunday of single-digit scoring, Big Russ’ only solace came from watching
the scoring updates on the website and seeing Roecker’s most excellent
team logo shimmy and shake for eternity. Ah, pleasure of the flesh –
where would civilization be without you?!
The Drunken Punks, down by 28 with only Monday Night to go, closed the door
on Big Russ with a major league performance from Kevin Curtis (who is this
guy again?). Well, I’ll tell you who he is: he’s the newest name
on the Ruszkowski shit list (there are now hundreds of names on this list).
Curtis’ 15 points on Monday night were the final nail in the Big Russ
coffin – the kind of “over the top” performance Rocker needed
to keep from being the ass of the league and having to cough-up the league’s
weekly prize: $5. Rocker wins, 47-41.
Bombers
Bring the Battle Home
After arriving safely back on American soil this weekend, The Baghdad Bombers
kept-up the fight and knocked G-Man’s Army of Darkness off the mountain
– the undefeated mountain that is. Franz’s homecoming euphoria fueled
his performance and allowed him to rack-up 127 points (a week 6 high score).
All the while, preventing G-Man from getting things going – alas, he
was only able to earn 98 points. Pity the poor G-Man, what is a team to do
with so few points...
Franz slid to victory on an impressive performance from Santana Moss (Oye
Como Va indeed!). Moss’ 31 points were a Bomber high score this week.
Nice.
G-Man, still the undisputed leader of the Orange Division, disappointed some
with a lackluster performance from Antonio Gates: 1 point. But, when you look
at the G-Man bench, you realize there was no more wad to shoot: he done shot
all the wad he had - no chance for victory.
In the Orange Division, like other football divisions, we like it when our
leaders are knocked-down a peg. We REALLY like it when they’re knocked-down
a few more pegs. So saying, I urge you Fast Eddie, take some time away from
the wedding bed this weekend, and focus on beating the ever-living shit out
of G-Man’s Army of Darkness. Two losses are better than one.
Oh, Shawn is the new owner of another friggin’ Big Russ $5 bill. I’m
gonna run-out of these things...
The
Ball Busters as Innocent Bystanders
With 88 points, the Ball Busters certainly came to play last weekend. The
Loungers, on the other hand, didn’t.
Loungers: 32 points from L.T. – that was a good decision; starting 2
of 3 receivers who actually played the game: another good decision; everything
else: bad decision. Merely swapping Pittman for Barber would have tied the
Ball Busters (but he would have beaten you on the tie-breaker) – and
adding another good decision would have brought the Loungers to victory. What
we need here is better coaching, but not until week 8: Big Russ has already
spent the winnings form the Week 7 contest: Big Russ vs. Long Eared Loungers.
The Ball Busters might have been hoping for more fireworks from Peyton Manning
this season, his week 6 score of 19 was good, but certainly not “Manning-esque.”
Apparently, Manning and Culpepper decided to shun greatness in 2005. Perhaps
they have some surprises up their sleeves for the latter two-thirds of the
season (please?). Most notable was the injury to Randy Moss: according to
the sportsline website, he hurt his groin/ribs. Damn, this could be the end
of the finest Ball Buster team in recent history.
Boners
Win Third Straight: Kobras Humiliated
Wheeler wins again. In an homage to running backs, the Smokin’ Bonecrushers
amassed 95 points (52 from the running corps) against the Kobras 59. The rest
of the Bonecrusher scorecard looked like shit.
The Kama Sutra Kobras, still drunk after a week 5 victory over Big Russ, weren’t
able to close the deal against the Boncrushers. Most notable Kobra of the
week: LaMont Jordan. Jordan’s 15 points were the best the Kobras could
do in week 6. Let’s hope you can turn things around in week 7 against
the Costco Shoppers.
Fast
Eddie’s Feelin’ His Oats
Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons let-out all the stops in a crushing victory
over the Costco Shoppers. Not that he needed to earn 123 points to beat the
shoppers (they only got 59 points), but Segreti’s goons are trying to
make-up for nearly a decade of total suckiness.
Fast Eddie made no coaching errors in week 6: this is a first for Goon owner,
Jason Segreti. Maybe it’s the impending nuptials, or maybe it’s
that he wants some crowing material in his impending union with a White Sox
friendly family (“friendly” – who am I kidding, they’re
friggin’ RABID for the Sox). Either way, Segreti’s 64 point win
over the Shoppers was the week’s highest winning margin. Nice.
Costco Shoppers were officially banned from Costco on Monday after being symbolically
raped in the dog food aisle by Segreti. Costco regional managers met early
Monday morning to discuss the continued endorsement of the Shoppers. Since
they have already paid the dues for the year, Costco Corporate Management
decided to continue the endorsement deal: in the effort to squeeze every nickel
out of the contract (that’s their business, you know). However, Michels’
Costco savings card was punched with a frowny-face: the ultimate sign of disapproval
by the discount retail giant.
Friday’s
Nuptials
As most of you know, this weekend brings the end of the raging testosterone-frenzied
bachelor days of our own Jason Segreti, owner of the pepped-up Fast Eddie’s
Hired Goons football organization. Jason will finally be introduced to the
wily ways of the American woman – then he’ll be off to foul a couple
hotel rooms in Hawaii as the happy couple attempt to consummate this thing.
Disgusting.
Here’s a quick glimpse into what I expect to happen Friday evening:
Then Deana’s dad takes Jason to the back of the restaurant and shows him that his Spider-Man comic book collection is unharmed – per the agreement.
