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Big
Russ: the Worm has Turned
After repeated abuses at the hands of most other FF2k5 owners, Big Russ’
day of retribution has finally arrived (though, the Big Russ organization
hopes to extend the “day” of retribution into a month-long drunken-cabal
of destruction to carry Big Russ into the playoffs).
Just when you think that the Big Russ season was over, KABLAM – out-comes
the top performance of week 10. Big Russ re-emerges from the steaming pile
of irrelevance with a 111-point performance. The secret to Big Russ resurgence:
big performances. As if to say, “Hey coach – I want to be part of
the solution and stop being part of the problem,” three Big Russ players
avoided certain doom and possible exile to the waiver wire. Top Big Russ player
was Roy Williams with 29 points. Williams spent most of the season like the
rest of the Big Russ team: injured on the bench eating potato chips and bong-standing
with Wheeler. Williams’ return to prominence is certainly welcomed –
especially by Wheeler and his selfish obsession with dope. The Buffalo defense
(27) and Clinton Portis (22) also contributed to the Big Russ whirlwind of
football excellence that erupted all over the Costco Shoppers in week 10 –
sorry for the eruption, it’s been a while...
You can’t have a “best” without a “worst” so it would
seem. It was as if the role “Week 10 League Doormat” was written
especially for Costco Shoppers – and they certainly deserved top-billing
as the loser. Costco’s 39 points was the lowest of the season so far
– the LOWEST OF THE SEASON! Well, if you’re going to lose –
lose big. That’s what I always say (scratch that – that’s what
I always USED to say...). Costco tried to compete with respectable performances
from Kerry Collins (17) and Jason Elam (11), but it ended there. The rest
of the Costco organization was out shopping for industrial-sized boxed of
fly paper (or something) and added only another 11 points. Costco will dip-into
their change purse and cough-up the $5 to Big Russ this week. Good thing you
saved all that money by buying in bulk...
Middle
Finger Extended at G-Man (finally)
The Ball Busters, nearly edging-out Big Russ as the Week 10 scoring champion,
totally beat the ever-loving crap out of G-Man in a week 10 contest that was
really no contest.
The Ball Busters 110 point total was achieved the usual Ball Buster way: on
the backs of Manning, Randy, and others. The surprise of the week for the
Busters was the Jacksonville defense (30): three points-allowed, three INTs,
four sacks, and a defense TD. Wow! The only black mark on the Ball Busters
coaching tally for week 10 was in the kicker column. Lindell’s zero will
certainly earn him an ass-full of pine for week 11. Starting Vanderjagt would
have earned Rich $5 and virtually sealed the deal on Christmas this year...
I guess the kids will have to be contented with dried corn cobs and coal this
year.
G-Man, once the juggernaut of FF2k5, has fallen on bad times as of late and
become the league’s inevitable paper tiger (pussy). With a week 9 score
of 57, you thought it just couldn’t get worse. Toss-in a Cincinnati bye,
and you can watch a team fall-apart right before your very eyes. G-Man’s
week 10 score of 46 was nearly the worst of the week (certainly the worst
of G-Man’s season), but G-Man was saved by the ineptitude of the other
Greg – are you guys brothers or something? G-Man’s two good performances
(Hines Ward (20) and Trent Dilfer (15)) were completely lost in a feces-stained
fog of shit on the G-Man sidelines: visibility zero. Especially troublesome
for G-Man was the call to start the Tampa Bay defense (-5) – thanks for
the laugh, now bend-over so Rich can steal 1st place from you...
Smokin’
Bonecrushers Continue Winning
After losing their first three games, the Smokin’ Bonecrushers have won
six of their last seven games. This week’s victim: the Long Earned Loungers.
Can anyone stop him? (Hint: week 11 pits Segreti vs. Wheeler in a potentially
non-sexual physical contest that may decide the Blue Division 1st place ranking)
Wheeler’s 84 points in week 10 was good enough for the win – this
week over an ailing Lounger organization attempting to beat-back the avail
flu with a broom. Newly honored Bonecrusher, Chris Chambers (18), shared the
spotlight with perennial honored Bonecrusher Edgerrin James (18). These two
top-performers masked the garbage that infests the rest of the Bonecrusher
lineup: Curtis Martin (5), Plaxico Burress (5), Matt Stover (3), and Pittsburgh
Defense (4) should all be ashamed of themselves. Though, in their defense,
“shame” was left at the door when they agreed to be on Wheeler’s
team. Way to dash the hopes and dreams of America’s youth, Wheeler!
Long Eared Loungers lost an important one in week 10 – the playoffs are
in view, and teams like the Loungers have to ask themselves, “Have I
earned the playoffs?” With the sudden rise of Big Russ and their final
three-week coast, the Loungers are suddenly faced with the potential of falling
into Orange Division last place – totally shameful! The Loungers attempt
at victory in week 10 began and ended with running backs. Barber’s 17
points combined with Westbrook’s 14 points were nearly half of the Lounger’s
week 10 scoring. Third place in Lounger scoring was Donald Driver – I
guess if you feed Brett Favre enough crack, he’ll remember how to throw
the ball – even to Donald Driver of all players... The rest of the Lounger
team was laughable (seriously). The Lounger’s week 10 performance was
22 points behind their week 9 performance: just like the Costco Shoppers.
I guess misery likes company (or like two turds floating in a toilet –
they just seem to clump together).
Fast
Eddie = Guaranteed Playoff Appearance
It’s only Week 10, and Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons owner Jason Segreti
finds himself in unfamiliar territory: playoff contention. Segreti’s
win over the ill-prepared Drunken Punks has guaranteed the newly wed Segreti
post-season play. Now, let’s see how he handles it (hopefully the new
wife knows the Heimlich).
As usual, top Hired Goon honors go to Shaun Alexander (34). Additional honors
go to the Bears. Chicago defense earned 19 for the Goons, and managed to win
against the Niners. Go Bears! Also of note for the Goons, week 10 brought
no coaching errors. Those of us who have followed Segreti and his legendary
coaching mistakes realize that Segreti is way out of his element. Further
investigation may be required (I’ll call the FBI to check fingerprints
on the keyboard – there’s no way Jason Segreti has made all these
not incorrect coaching calls).
The Drunken Punks lose their second straight – just like you knew they
would. It’s happened before, but there’s always something comforting
when an owner’s (other than you) highest scoring player is his kicker.
Neil Rackers holds the top active Punk of the week award with 16 points. That
honor might have been shared with Jake Plummer, but he was watching the game
from the rickety team trailer parked on the outskirts of town. Roecker normally
serves his reserve players franks and beans, but Drunken Punk budget cuts
has forced Roecker into replacing franks with clearance sardines fresh from
the Whole Foods dumpster on the other side of town. Oh to think we would have
never seen you so low... Now we know that only your potential to disgust us
is limitless.
In
Baghdad, the Kobra is King
The Kobras breezed-into Baghdad for the week-10 contest, and breezed-out just
as easily – with a victory. Just like the rest of their opponents, the
Kama Sutra Kobras brought their A-game to the Baghdad Bombers and beat them
heartily.
The Kobras earned 105 points in week 10 from the most surprising places: 32
points from the Carolina defense and 20 points from Larry Fitzgerald –
thus marking the first time a player named “Larry” has ever done
anything useful in Fantasy Football. The rest of the Kobra lineup was uninspired:
leaving room for others to totally dominate the defending world champion –
he’s certainly not the field general he was last year. Particularly troubling
for the Kobras was the Lamar Jordan problem: four points. Good luck in week
11 (ps, I need you to take care of the Loungers...)
Shawn Franz, unconscious owner of the Baghdad Bombers, was revived early Monday
morning by the MPs and asked to explain himself. “I thought it was a
nine-week season” he explained. Well, news to Shawn: there are three
more weeks to go – then you can forget this ever happened. The Baghdad
Bombers (not affiliated with the U.S. State Department or the current U.S.
military operations in Iraq) coughed-up a 61 – hoping that would be good
enough. “Good enough for what?” you might ask. At this point, we
don’t know. Franz’s newest goal is to stop embarrassing himself.
What’s the score on that effort: total failure. Maybe if this were Fantasy
World Diplomacy instead of Fantasy Football, he’d have the edge. As it
stands today: no edge, no win, no love.
Playoff
Update
As you may have guessed, there have been a few playoff spots clinched:
ORANGE DIVISION
G-Man’s Army of Darkness have clinched a playoff spot. The Ball Busters,
Long Eared Loungers, or The Drunken Punks can clinch the playoffs with one
victory. Big Russ can clinch the playoffs with three more victories (weeks
11, 12, and 13) and three losses by either the Long Eared Loungers or the
Drunken Punks.
BLUE DIVISION
Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons, The Smokin’ Bonecrusher, and The Kama
Sutra Kobras have all clinched playoff appearances. The Baghdad Bombers and
Costco Shoppers will have to wait for next year.
SPOILERS
Big Russ: Baghdad Bombers have the opportunity
to end the playoff dreams for Big Russ in week 11 – all you have to do
is win (that’s harder than it sounds). Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons
will get their chance to spoil Big Russ in week-12 (if Shawn is unable to
perform his duty). Wheeler get’s the final chance to ruin Big Russ in
week-13. Make sure you all eat your Wheaties!
Drunken Punks: G-Man, the Kobras, and
the Bombers all have to team-up (respectively) to annihilate the Drunken Punks
for the remainder of the season. You can do it...
Long Eared Loungers: The Kobras, the Bombers,
and G-Man (in that order) will get your chance against the Loungers. Seems
to be the same teams are pitted against the two teams in the way of Big Russ.
Is a bribe totally out of the question...?
Ball Busters: Costco Shoppers, the Bonecrushers,
and Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons all need to win to keep Rich from the playoffs.
Can it be done? Probably not...
