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Uncharacteristic
Loss by Big Russ
“Must win” is usually the kind of phrase that will really get a
team moving: teams; however, that are not Big Russ. In one fell swoop, Big
Russ might have said “good-bye” to all hopes of a playoff appearance.
The Baghdad Bombers avoided slipping into a tie for the worst losing streak
of the season (5 games) by beating the surging Big Russ football organization
this weekend. The Bombers 73 points, though pathetic, was enough to secure
the win and play the role of “spoiler” in a game that personally
meant nothing to them. Good show. Franz’s Bombers mostly phoned-it-in,
but a few players appeared Sunday to represent: Marc Bulger (20), Anquan Boldin
(18), and the Baltimore Defense (15). The rest of the Bombers are dead to
Franz now – especially with the season irretrievably lost and a malaise
of hopelessness lingering through the locker-room like a humid still-warm
after-chili fart from a hobo on the run from the CTA police on the day-after
Thanksgiving. Good thing you stayed-away from Mike Vick (22), Cadillac Williams
(17), and Shane Graham (13) – those players would have allowed you to
win with authority instead of the wheezing 73 that was heaved-up instead.
Good luck in week 12 where the Long Eared Loungers don’t necessarily
fall for such low-brow hijinks.
If the Bomber performance was laughable, the Big Russ performance was... more
laughable? The humor pleased most – all except for Big Russ owner, Commissioner
Russell E. Ruszkowski – who lost another one, this time at the hands
of Fingers Franz – the wiliest of foes. Big Russ’ troubles continue
at quarterback: the new and improved lineup (Drew Bledsoe) was only able to
garner 4 points. Things we no better on the bench – Big Russ’ other
option was a 4 points from Mark Brunell. In addition to quarterback woes,
Big Russ also struggles at the running back position: 5 points this week (Portis
= 5, Gado = 0). ‘Nigerian Nightmare II” is the most apt moniker
for Samkon Gado – except he is his owner’s nightmare... The only
two Big Russ bright-spots come from their two newest players: Isaac Bruce
(14) and Amani Toomer (11). As these players realize whose team their on,
look for their performance to decline sharply – just like the rest of
the Big Russ team. As if losing wasn’t bad enough, Big Russ also is forced
to cough-up the weekly $5 badge of shame. I hope no one asks about football
during the Thanksgiving feast. Dammit...
G-Man
Returns to Prominence over the Back of the Drunken Punks
Late Sunday afternoon, if you listened closely, you might have heard the faint
call from G-Man, “I’m in first place – honor me!” One
week after we witnessed the total destruction of a first-place team, G-Man
roared back to life with a league leading (earn $5) score of 129. The Drunken
Punks tried as they might, but came-up short (for the third week in a row).
G-Man’s win was truly an impressive feat in week 11 – with a +83
point differential from last week, G-Man owns the best week-to-week improvement
of the season – the previous best was Costco’s week 3 78-point improvement
over their week 2 score. G-Man had double-digit performances from nearly every
player: every player except for Stephen Davis (0). The newly acquired cast-off
from the Goons was totally inadequate against the Bears defense. Maybe Jason’s
not as dumb as we all thought. (No, he still is...).
The Drunken Punks might have had a chance in week 11 if it weren’t for
Steven Jackson’s sit-down strike. Jackson’s -2 points was a symbolic
slap-in-the-face to the beleaguered owner battling for a playoff appearance.
Other Punks tried hard to overcome the Jackson deficit, but to no avail. The
Punks 106 was too little too late.
Kobras
Catch the Loungers Napping
It looked grim for the Kobras in week 11: Trent Green went-off (25), Eddie
Kennison went-off (17), and then so did the Cincinnati offense (Indianapolis
Defense -10). The Kobras beat the Loungers due to their own inept lineup setting
abilities.
Not to say that the Kobras didn’t bring-it on their own: 107 points,
but a minus 10 from the opponent can really transform their rabies-dripping
bark aimed at your neck into a sappy love-song about your penis. The Kobras
top scorer was Mike Anderson (29) and he was the 2nd highest-scoring running
back of the week (Larry Johnson was first). No great shakes for the rest of
the Kobras, but, then again, no one fell-down either.
The Loungers failed to bring themselves one-step closer to an unprecedented
playoff appearance. Rather, they posted a “Lounger as usual” lineup
that brought a “Lounger as usual” result: the loss. Trent Green
(25) was the best Lounger and the rest of the Lounger organization (except
Jason Witten (-1)) tried to get the win but were trumped by the -10 from the
Indianapolis sieve-style defense. I suppose the Loungers made the right choice:
the benched Cincinnati Defense scored -18.
Costco
Validates Ball Busters’ Coupons
The Ball Busters, vying for an Orange Division 1st place record and the round
1 bye, overtake the blue light specials by 28 in week 11. What’s his
secret? Twin scores of 33 and no negative points.
The Ball Busters rung-up big savings this week and totally whooped the crap
out of the Costco shoppers – only the Kobras had a wider margin of victory
this week. Rich’s secret, as witnessed in-person Sunday afternoon, was
laying-off the beer early (nursing an after-flu stomach) then returning to
his strengths: drinking beer. The Ball Busters key to the game had to be Larry
Johnson’s 33 points rushing. I might have said that the key was Peyton
Manning’s 33, but there was a better week 11 quarterback...
Costco Shoppers totally wasted the Herculean effort of Drew Brees in week
11. Brees’ 37 points was the best in the NFL this week, and died on the
vine in a Costco retreat of epic proportions. With a quarterback score of
37, you’d think the game was in the bag. Well, add to that 37 a zero
from Jerome Bettis, a three (3) from Terry Glenn, and a four (4) from the
NY Giants defense and you get the total raging suck that is the Costco Shoppers
week 11 score. How will you show your face in-front of Wheeler this holiday
season? I have a few ideas...
Wheeler
Embarrasses Self, Family in Gambling Event
In what was billed the “Week 11 game of the week,” Wheeler fell
to the usually inept owner of Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons, Jason Segreti.
With a final score of 99 to 84, this wasn’t a particularly offense-friendly
battle, but there definitely was some excitement thrown-in.
Sunday, 12:00 noon (central time), the Chicago Bears take the field. Except,
what’s this? They have a certain spring to their step – it’s
as if they’re free of something... “Jason, are you starting the
Chicago defense this week?” “No, Seattle.” Well now, isn’t
it obvious, the Bears don’t have the heavy-load of Segreti on their shoulders
for week 11 - a Segreti start is most certain doom for most fantasy players.
Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons went-on to win the game, but missing a 27 from
the Chicago Defense will certainly haunt Segreti for games to come.
Wheeler – there are so many ways you could have won the game this weekend:
where do I begin? I suppose there was no more glaring wrong call than the
defense (just like Segreti). Wheeler started the Pittsburgh defense against
an offensively-challenged Baltimore team, but that was the exact wrong call.
The right call would have been the Denver Defense against an equally challenged
NY Jets team. The Denver Defense earned 34 points for the bench while the
Pittsburgh Defense earned 11 points for Wheeler – that 23 points differential
would have easily been enough to secure the win – and would have saved
you a restless night of sleep after watching Brett Favre TOTALLY BLOW-IT FOR
YOU ON MONDAY NIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NATION. Other Wheeler blunders
include: Willie Parker, Muhsin Muhammad, his teen years, his twenties, and
his thirties (so far). The safest bet for Wheeler is failure – that’s
one he hasn’t missed yet!
Playoff Update
ORANGE DIVISION
G-Man’s Army of Darkness have clinched 1st place and a week 14 bye. The
Ball Busters have clinched a playoff appearance, but the last spot is still
open. Through a strange interpretation of mathematical probabilities, Big
Russ is still breathing in the Orange Division. With the dual losses of Long
Eared Loungers and the Drunken Punks, Big Russ needs to win-out (Goons –
Boners) and needs Loungers (Bombers – Shoppers) and Punks (Kobras –
Bombers) to lose-out. Can Shawn win three straight to help Russ into the playoffs?
All signed point to “no.”
Let’s say that Big Russ fails to enter the playoffs, who will go between
the Loungers and the Punks? The Punks have the edge (their division record
is tied, their head-to-head scoring is tied, but he has a 13-point advantage
in the head-to-head quarterback scoring tiebreaker), so the Loungers will
need to win one more game than the Punks in the next two games.
BLUE DIVISION
The Blue Division playoff teams were set last week, but there has been a development.
All the Blue Division playoff teams can clinch first place EXCEPT for the
Smokin’ Bonecrushers, and the Kobras need two Kobra wins and two Goon
losses to overtake Segreti for the coveted round one bye. Good luck.
For the rest of you: have a happy Thanksgiving. Remember to get your lineups
in on time. Expats: American turkey tastes so much better than the crap you’ll
be forced to gullet-down this week – I pity you...
