Week 1 Newsletter

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This has certainly been a week of the injury: Tom Brady had his season ended for him (after only 15 minutes of play, and three fantasy points); Nate Burleson's season is also finished; Marques Colston is out for up to six weeks, and Vince Young disappeared for four hours, and (according to his momma) is "tired" of playing football… Well, boo-fuckin'-hoo! I, like others of you, have to drag my fat ass into the office nearly five days per week, and the listed to the twisted tales of these millionaires and their physical/mental problems? And I know a thing or two about physical limitations: after I tore my calf muscle (ruptured plantaris - also known as "tennis leg"), I had to heave myself onto the train with a crutch - then I had to crutch myself nearly 100 yards from the train station to my office (luckily, my office is only across one street from the station). The people at the office were helpful-holding doors open, offering to get me coffee, and all that jazz-but there was pain! Sadly, I don't have a multi-million dollar contract there to cushion the blow. It was all I could do to participate in the beanbag/cornhole tournament being held on the 6th floor garden.

Well, enough about me and my physical challenges - let's think about what these injuries are going to do to your "teams." My first guess is: TOTAL DEVASTATION! Luckily, the fickle finger of fate has decided to skip the Big Russ organization for now, and level her hatred directly at some of you. But, buck-up little campers! There's plenty of talent out there on the waiver wire just waiting to be snatched-up! (ed note: by "plenty" I mean "few" and by "talent" I mean "weak-pulsed rejects.")

Big Russ Smites Legion de la Mort

This wasn't supposed to be like this… As I prepared for the game, I thought there was no possible way to win this one - Bulger, Delhomme, or Leinart against Brady? The only thing I had going for me was Adrian Peterson, but Legion was starting Peterson's backup and 3rd down guy Chester Taylor - clearly there is doubt in the air as to Peterson's durability. But then the games were played…

Big Russ won the contest 61 to 42. Top Big Russ players of the week were Hines Ward (19), Adrian Peterson (16), and Kevin Smith (10). Particularly egregious play was noticed from the Seattle Defense (-8). Don't worry, Ladies, your services will not be required in week 2. With the Bears total vindication at the hands of the Colts, the Chicago Defense will now be featured on Big Russ. Note to the gambling community: now that I am backing the Bears defense, they are guaranteed to fall-apart huge - get your bets-in before Sunday! Note: Big Russ was the worst-coached team in terms of points. Big Russ left 46 points on the bench in week 1.

Legion de la Mort lost. Not only did they lose, but they lost their marquis $R70 quarterback: Tom Brady. It was a sad sad day in France. Out of respect for the good work Troy is doing in the name of his country, thousands of Parisiennes took a break from their normal activities of eating bread, drinking wine, and engaging in gratuitous sex to mourn the Brady knee and its humbling of the Legion. Touching. Top Legion players of the week were Randy Moss (15), Edgerrin James (10), and Patrick Crayton (8). Oh, I forgot to mention, Legion's score of 42 was the lowest of the week - and will cost him a crisp $5 bill. I also forgot to mention that Legion's coaching errors cost the game: left 40 points on the bench and only lost by 21.

Duffmen Dominate G-Man

The Duffmen were the lucky recipients of the week's top prize: Troy's $5. Otherwise, it was a near ass-raping of G-Man the entire weekend. Duffmen scored 115 to G-Man's 72: that was the highest winning margin of the week (43) and the season!

Top Duffmen of the week were Michael Turner (36), Peyton Manning (16), and Terrell Owens (14). Now that the league's seen Michael Turner's tricks, do you think he might repeat that performance any time soon? The smart money is on, "no." Turner faces a tougher defense this week, and the Costco Shoppers aren't about to be embarrassed (again). The Duffmen coaching performance was fair: 21 points left on the bench (5th place).

G-Man was the only losing team this week who could not have coached himself to victory, meaning that Buddha was out for your blood this week. My advice is to quickly sacrifice a virgin to appease this deity. For those of you who've always thought Buddha was about peace and happiness: grow up! You're not allowed to be a "God" unless you're ready to break a few eggs - and that Buddha sure does love his eggs! Anyhoo, top G-Man players of the week were Marion Barber (20), Nate Burleson (12), and the Pittsburgh Defense (11). Pity about Burleson… G-Man was only slightly worse-coached than the Duffmen: 27 points left-on the bench.

Boners vs. Busters: I Can Smell the Suck from Here!

Apparently, this is what happens when you bet against the Bears… The Ball Busters started the Indianapolis Defense against the weak-willed Chicago offense and was punished. That itself was a 13 point problem for Rich. Wheeler was able to eke this one out, 75 to 53, but don't look for too much from him in the future.

Top Bonecrushers of the week were Philadelphia Defense (21), Chicago's Matt Forte (20), and Reggie Wayne (14). Marques Colston was injured this week, and won't be back until week 7. I wonder if those two points from Colston were really worth the $R29 you spent. Nope. Wheeler's coaching performance was ok: 21 points left on the bench this week - representing 28% of his total score.

Rich coached himself out of a victory (35 points left on the bench this week). Top Ball Busters of the week were Brett Favre (19), Dwayne Bowe (10), and Neil Rackers (10). Sad when a kicker makes the leaderboard, isn't it? Acually, all the Ball Busters top talent was safely protected on the bench: I suppose they were busy signing autographs as legions of fans passed-by to wallow in their greatness. Ah, to be the best player on a last-place team…

Loungers/Punks: Can't They Both Lose?

In a perfect world, both teams would have lost. Sadly, we don't live in a perfect world. I suppose I should be thankful to Roecker for "taking-out some of the trash in the Orange Division," but praise would just go to his head and inflate his already inflated opinion of his football prowess. In any case, Roecker's ascension in the Blue Division is a Michels/Wheeler problem until Jason and Rich can figure a way out of the basement.

Roecker was able to beat the Loungers by a respectable margin with a score of 80 to 65. Top Punks of the week were Drew Brees (28), Brandon Jacobs (11), and Matt Prater (11). Another fine example of having a kicker on the leaderboard: pathetic! Get ready to sharpen your claws as you get to take a chunk out of Wheeler this weekend in hot hot week 2 action! The best scenario for the rest of us: murder/suicide. As far as coaching, Rocker left 34 points on the bench in week 1 - 7th worst in coaching.

On the other side of the ball, we have the Loungers: the only team in the league with seven (yes, seven) receivers, but one of them (Kevin Curtis) has a hernia. Must be from all the heavy lifting (losing teams are forced to carry their own luggage). Top Loungers of the week were Brian Westbrook (21), Baltimore Defense (14), and Kurt Warner (13). The Loungers were the third-best coached team in week 1, only leaving 18 points on the bench. Sadly, those 18 would have gone a long way in turning a loss into a win. Better luck in week 3 as you face Legion de la Mort (might as well mark the "L" for week 2: I plan on winning this week).

And in This Week's Closest Contest…

While most of the other games have been blow-outs, we had one game that was worth watching: Costco Shoppers 100, Fast Eddie's Hired Goons 97. Ooo, that was close! In the end, it came-down to Selvin Young vs. Greg Jennings - could Jennings beat Young by more than three points to give Jason the win? The answer was, "no." Young and Jennings both scored nine, and Segreti was marked with an "L" for loser.

Top Shoppers of the week were Donovan McNabb (34), Frank Gore (15), and Plaxico Burress (13). The Shoppers were the best-coached team of the week only leaving eight points on the bench: congratulations! In week 2, the Shoppers will face the league-leading Duffmen. Can those coaching skills stay sharp enough to win? Stay tuned!

Fast Eddie and the Goons lost a close one and, like nearly all the other losing coaches, did it to himself. Segreti left 14 points on the bench this week: certainly enough to cover the win. Sad. Top Goons of the week were Willie Parker (31), Tony Romo (17), and Jericho Cotchery (16). In week 2, Segreti hopes to get his freak-on all over Rich and The Ball Busters. That's the kind of action that only a fire hose and a Tazer can break-apart.

Rules Clarification

Some of you might have been able to use the new bid transaction thing that we've set-up this year. Now that I've seen it in action, I think I can clarify a little better. First, you click "My Team" menu and "Add/Drop." Navigate to a player you wish to pick-up. Then you choose a player to dump - all as before. The only difference is that you are now required to enter a $R value for that transaction - those aren't real US dollars, those are Russbux. We've all been granted $R100 at the beginning of the season, and they are to be used to "buy" players. If you're considering adding a player, and you think that the player will be a hot property - you might want to go big. The highest bidder will get that player! If you're interested in a player that you don't think will generate a lot of action, you might want to go low and conserve your $R. Because, once you burn-through $R100, you're done with transactions for the season (except trades: they're $R free!).

The trick for this is that you are not allowed to see other bids - you bid blind for players. So, use your best judgment. Also, there are three transaction processing days during the week: Wednesday night, Friday night, and Saturday night. So, if you put-in an add/drop on Monday, it will be processed on Wednesday night (Thursday morning). At that time, the system will evaluate all the pending trades, and award the player to the highest bidder. If there are more than one bidder at the high value, the player will be awarded to the team listed higher in the "tie breaker" list (it's on the add/drop page). You can also see and delete your bids on that page.

Let me know if you have any questions as to how this works, but I think we're all getting the hang of it…